Pink+plus+sign

Express and Reflect Pink Plus Sign The waves of emotion came and went as I looked down at the faint plus sign that only meant one thing. I could not help the smile that crept up on my face and I called to my friend who was waiting in the other room. She had been skeptical to start with about my possible pregnancy then about the test that I had bought, but I knew better about how they had made those tests. She could not suppress a lush laugh and she blushed heavily as she apologized for the comments that she had made earlier about the possibility of ME having a child. She knew I never had an interest in children and in truth I disliked many children for their over use of higher frequencies and the abundance in which they used them, that aside, I neither had the ability, nor the time to take care of a child, all of which she had mentioned in the store as I headed toward the aisle that held the pregnancy tests with a face of red. Why had I smiled? Why a smile when I myself had not considered the possibility of being a mother. I had taken great lengths to avoid such a condition. I, who held a firm distaste for the little breed of humans. I, who had not had a childhood of my own, was going to have a child and raise it… on my own. The smile I had, no doubt was most likely from the internal and maternal drive that feminine nature pumps in to female veins and ovaries. That smile tainted my lips, because my body wanted this to happen, it relished in the prospect of caring and nurturing for the little parasite that had been feeding off my body. The smile could have also been an unexplainable phenomenon as strange and undefinable as life itself. Whatever the reason for the smile, it would not leave my face until my mind took over the control of my body once more. Then the seat of panic over took me as I considered the possibilities and the consequences to my actions. Then my heart fell into my stomach as I thought of the prospect of telling my family and friends. My overly religious family, that did not even know that I had been dating someone for close to a year, would not be very happy with a child born out of wedlock and I had had no intention of marrying the man either. We had just said our goodbyes six weeks before as he and I had agreed a long distance relationship would not work for either of us. I shuddered even at the possibility and shut it aside quickly, I just would not tell anyone, I reasoned… I could hide my condition for some time and by then it would be too late for termination and my family would have to come around to the idea with the prospect so near. My friend protested to the idea as soon as I said it, saying that I needed prenatal care and my mother would have to know why her insurance company was being charged for so many OBGYN appointments. I reluctantly agreed to her reasoning, because my mother had no interest in keeping secrets, no matter how small, and this was no small matter. Looking back I do not know what exactly I was fearful of when it came to my uncertainty of telling others, other than the fact of getting over the word ‘pregnant’. I remember even now how strange the word felt on my lips, like an unspoken oath or a foreign swear word. As for the smile, I even to this day think that it must have been a reaction that I felt that I should feel as a woman. Even now the maternal instincts I thought I would never obtain are so easy, as easy as breathing in and out. I laugh now at the whole situation as I stare down at my beautiful baby boy. To think that this being had caused so much commotion, and internal and external conflict even before he had taken his first trembling breath, was and still is amazing to me. My son then gazes back at me with my own eyes and casts my own smile back at me, minus most of his teeth, and eagerly crawls forward in such determined and forceful movements that there is no doubt that this little being is mine. When close enough I scoop him up and he accepts my embrace only for a moment, before helping me type this paper with occasional dfrknfdvkn and efrnjjknfrdjn and oianbvvre that fit the constant babbling that is issuing from his lips. I give him a kiss on the top of his head as he continues to help me type and smile faintly to myself at the knowledge that this amazing and wonderful boy was once but a faint pink plus sign in my every thought.