P.Hill+Student+Writer+Profile

As you note, there are some proofreading issues. I would know much more about Josh if he articulated his writing process. If he insisted he did not revise, I would say he is not a serious writer, but a serious draft-er. Still talented, though. What would advise such a writer about improving his writing?
 * Tricia:** Your analysis of Josh seems to be based on your correspondence, so I gather there was no interview. The persona in the monologue below is quite confident, one who would not hesitate to evaluate a college student's writing. I agree there is some anger with teachers who disappointed him, but even to receive credit for a piece like this, he has to have some understanding teachers.The tangential style might be accepted as part of letter writing or monologue writing, but it leaves you wondering if staying on topic could be an issue for Josh.

20/20 Profile 0/5 Notes?

I corresponded with Josh Carn-Saferstein, a 15-year-old 10th-grader at Skyline High School. He has the voice of a typical high school student, and is already fed up with school despite being only halfway through. He has a little bit of a problem with authority, especially with older teachers who he feels only feign interest in him as a student. He is extremely encouraging of my decision to become a teacher, and believes he responds better to younger teachers. Josh is an adept writer, and enjoys creative writing, but is not a fan of math and science. He is very involved in extra-curricular activities, such as playing soccer (both for Skyline and on a travel team), and he intends to go to college one day. He describes that both of his siblings are going to college, and he seems very interested in the choices that they have made/are making, and likewise the choices that //I// made, to pick a university.

Josh also really enjoys listening to rap music, but not for the same reason as many of his peers; “the reason I like it so much, is how they are able to translate their thoughts through words and rhymes.” As he is with his taste with music, Josh also seems to be very self-aware about his writing. He acknowledges that he gets sidetracked while writing and has the tendency to go off on tangents. He does this in both the representative piece of writing that he offered and in his letter to me, both of which have a couple of spelling errors, but are otherwise thoughtful and well-written. He also gave me positive criticism on //my// sample piece of writing, beyond a generic, “you did good.” Again, he has an appreciation for expressing emotion in writing, which shows through in his own sample piece.

Josh seems like a student that has been let down by teachers in the past, and his writing sample certainly shows it. I think that he would have been more likely to have communicated with me had this been earlier on in the term, based on the decrease of his willingness to communicate with me after the trimester had ended.

Attached is the piece that he wrote for his creative writing class.

Yes this is my phone, yes this is my new I-Phone, and yes I can use it whenever my brains feels it is important enough, to send messages to my hand, to pull it out of my pocket. You think otherwise, you speak otherwise, but most importantly, I listen otherwise. I am sorry what you are teaching is not compelling enough, but please don’t force me to learn about how light rays travel, and how to find the area of an isosceles triangle. It’s all irrelevant to the object inside my head, that decides whether you are worthy of my attention or not. If you are feeling confident, sure give it a shot. However if you fail, don’t blame me, blame the social geniuses who have created a need for constant updates about one’s Hashtags and Trending Topics.

The thing is, you do deserve a bit of respect. You are a teacher, you have earned your degree from the university you attended, and you do deserve a higher salary then received. On the outside, you show how fascinated you are by the brilliance of the words used in a particular poem. You deserve an Oscar for your acting job! But on the inside, we all know you are thinking about your leftover tacos in the fridge. At least be honest with us and say you can’t wait until 2:45, to escape the bright white walls of Skyline Hell School. Not that Skyline is worse than any other high school, but also accept that you are not any better than my black device, that is somehow related to a fruit. Not a red apple, not a green apple, but a metal apple! You may have the most tremendous personality and crude humor in the city, but in this classroom, you are nothing but a robot filling my thoughts with stress.

Personally, I think every single day, of how tiring a teaching job must be. Staying up late hours to pound your fingers on the keyboard, just to put in a single kids grade. And if you happen to lose one 8 by 11 inch piece of paper, an 100 pound Asian girl is questioning your organization skills. It is only the third week of the trimester and kids are already pestering you for extra credit. Yes I understand being a teacher sucks ass and I could never do it! But on the other hand, you did sign up for this job and have been doing it for longer than i have been living. What’s new? Have you learned that kids really don’t change. We are immature adolescence, experiencing a chemical change in our brain that will change us forever. Us guys, can do nothing but stare at Brittany’s low cut shirt as she bends over to pick up her Ticonderoga. And you girls, i know you think about Justin taking off his shirt just to get a quick feel. Lets face it, not one of us is focused on learning and bettering our knowledge of useless information.

But the most difficult part of being around teachers, is their attempt to make a difference on our lives. You teachers experienced the teenage years and whether you had a good time or not, let me experience it as well. You passed crumpled up notes in class, I send text messages faster than you can turn your neck. If you happen to catch me on my screen, it’s not the end of the world, only the end of the class for me. At the end of the day, you have no more control of the phone, as I do to your five year-old laptops. And at the end of each week, hearing teachers say to have a fun but SAFE weekend, is like teachers telling us we have homework but don’t do it. Yes I will wake up at someones house I don’t know, half naked in their bathtub. Drink my beer and smoke my weed, my good friends is all I need. Teachers, I don’t believe you are anywhere in that phrase. If you can come up with a better phrase than that, I give you full permission to come to any party I am at, to let me know. But for now, remember that I will continue any habit I have created, and most likely create new ones that will piss you off even more.