Andrew+Mosquera'a+Artifact+1+Writing+To+Learn

=The Right Question: Writing as Process= Dear Sophomore,
 * [[image:http://www.wikispaces.com/user/pic/1326959447/AndrewMosquera-lg.jpg width="48" height="48" caption="AndrewMosquera" link="http://www.wikispaces.com/user/view/AndrewMosquera"]] || [|AndrewMosquera] Jan 24, 2012 12:50 am
 * [[image:http://www.wikispaces.com/user/pic/1326959447/AndrewMosquera-lg.jpg width="48" height="48" caption="AndrewMosquera" link="http://www.wikispaces.com/user/view/AndrewMosquera"]] || [|AndrewMosquera] Jan 24, 2012 12:50 am

This is the third time you have submitted a draft and revised your piece. You have had my own suggestions for improvement as well as the responses of your peers to guide you, but I am sorry young one, this will simply not do!

Do not give up! Writing is a process, as we say all the time in class. I really love the story you have and I am sure you can tell it so much more strongly. Let's try this one more time. As one of our classmates smartly commented, your essay is like a "skeleton". We just need to "flesh this out."

I can tell you have a very strong emotional consciousness. Every image (as blind as they seem) is packed with emotion, and this is something that is too often sadly lacking in the writing of your peers. For this reason, you especially need to tell this story. You have to! Don't give up!

Let's go one more time, but this time you need to 1) Define all of the unidentified moments in your essay. 2) Dwell on the moments your emotions change. Ask yourself why you felt that way. Even if you don't remember everything word for word, just imagine what it would have been like. Some writers hold themselves back for the sake of exactness. No memoir is ever %100 exact, especially the best ones. 3) Turn the senses back on! Remember how important the sensory detail is to your message or emotion in this case. Your writing is like Shakespeare without hands! It is like a Rembrandt out of paint! The detail is the matter of the emotional form. 4) I know of your strong sense of social justice from what you talk about in class. It is connected to your strong emotional consciousness. This virtue is very valuable. It is so valuable and rare that you need to... (like I said before) you have to be heard. Think of writing as speaking. At some points just talk. Digress a little and let your strong sense of justice flow out.

5) You'll make a great police officer! Look into the future a little bit. Perhaps you can write more from how this big event (whatever the heck it was!) will influence your future career of justice.

One more draft! Mr. Mosque ||